Tag Archives: J.T.T

I’ll Never Let Go Billy

21 Feb

There is only one movie that I have seen (and paid for) in theaters more than 6 times. That movie is Titanic (1997).  Over a decade ago, in 1997, I was just a 9-year-old, third grade girl desperately in love with J.T.T. But, the first time I laid eyes on Leonardo DiCaprio in the Titanic trailer, the drool hanging off the bottom of my lip told me that J.T.T and I were over. There was a new man in my life. Leo and I have been together ever since.

With the recent release of James Cameron’s Avatar (2009) and the weekend release of Scorsese’s Shutter Island (2010) it is clear that, despite 13 years of aging,  the Titanic alumni are still very relevant to Hollywood today: Kate Winslet took home an Oscar last year for her performance in The Reader (2008).   DiCaprio has been nominated for two Academy Awards, post Titanic, and has had the starring role in stellar films like The Departed(2006 ), Blood Diamond (2007 ),  Gangs of New York (2002 ), and Catch Me if you Can (2002).   Bill Paxton stars in his own show on HBO, Big Love. And Lord knows Kathy Bates hasn’t gone anywhere. In fact, the whole cast of Titanic’s careers seem to be unsinkable, with the exception of Billy Zane.

In Titanic, Billy Zane played Rose’s aggressive and possessive boyfriend Cal. His hairless head and extremely fit body made him easy to spot among the Hollywood crowd in various award shows, but as far as the Big Screen is concerned, Billy Zane has just been blending in.

Post Titanic, the Chicago native has been playing mostly small supporting roles in a series of B-movies and Television shows, most notably as Winston Funk, Christina Applegate’s ex lover on ABC’s Samantha Who?.  Although his face has not appeared on the Big screen his voice has been flooding the airwaves of children’s movies, he was the voice of John Rolf in the Disney sequel; Pocahontas II: A Brave New World, and in  video games in SSX Tricky as Broderick ‘Brodi’ Ford and again as Ansem in Kingdom Hearts.

Currently Billy Zane has bit parts in 4 movies scheduled to be released late this year: 4Chosen, The Roommate, Enemies Among Us, and The Confidant.  I, for one, am ready for Mr. Zane to get the lead role he deserves.

Billy I miss your shimmering scalp, your ability to embody evil and your sinfully seductive left side smirk. 

Billy Zane, I miss your face- Shassie

p.s. Interesting fact: Zane first appeared on the Big screen as one of Biff’s henchmen in Back to the Future(1985).

YOU STOLE HIM!!!!

16 Oct

 

Another 98 minutes of my life have just been wasted due to the horrible, fat necked, invalid thespian that is Jessica Biel. As a result, I have decided to start a new segment on I Miss Your Face, entitled, F*** Your Face.Not only is Texas Chainsaw Massacre a ghastly piece of film, but 89% of its hideousness was due solely to the “acting” of Biel. “YOU STOLE HIM!!!!!!”*spirit fingers and scream*

Somehow Jessica Biel has been acting since the age of 14 when she starred in 7th Heaven. Since then, she has been working steadily; harassing her audience in such sickeningly bad films as I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Summer Catch, Texas Chainsaw Massacre,Stealth, Elizabethtown, last summer’s Easy Virtue, and Next( a phenomenal film where Nick Cage can see 60 seconds into the future and he is somehow forced by the government to use his stellar powers to prevent a terrorist attack. Because 60 seconds is totally enough time to prevent years of terrorist planning; but that is another rant for another time).  Not even the dashing looks of J.T.T. could distract the audience from her poor acting skills in the movie I’ll be Home for Christmas.

 Biel, despite lack of talent and obvious body type flaws, has somehow become a sex symbol due to magazines like Maxim misunderstanding her manly neck and fat ass for an athletic build body.  Jessica, I hate the way you confuse raising your voice for acting, how you wear low cut jeans at least two sizes too small, and your transvestite physique.

Jessica Biel, F*** Your Face-Shassie

We Belong, We Belong Together.

21 Sep

 In August, the world I had been living in since the mid-90s was ruthlessly and relentlessly destroyed. It was during a game of champong when my friend decided to share the latest gossip she had overheard about her friend’s sister’s best gay friend, let’s just call him Satan. “Satan was at a gay club in Bethlehem last week,” she said, “and he got a BJ from Jonathan Taylor Thomas.” Immediately I threw my pong ball across the room and screamed a Drew-Barrymore-on-a-large- cordless-phone scream.  The rest of the month was a mere depressed blur.  I never would be Mrs. Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

I wish J.T.T would come out of the closet he’s hiding in and grace the world with his presence once again. Words cannot describe the way I felt about Jonathan Taylor Thomas from the ages of 9-14, only the 250+ pictures I had in sixth grade hanging of him on my bedroom door can. J.T.T. is, and will always be, the first love of my life. Since the ball dropped at the beginning of the new millennium Jonathan Taylor Thomas has disappeared. Why internet? WHY have you no information of his whereabouts? I have gone to Bethlehem, PA on holidays just to see if he was home for Christmas. I have even wandered Columbia University where he is rumored to be attending Grad School. It’s impossible that I am the only fan left who cares. I need to know Jonathan, is it true? Interviews from 2000 will not suffice. Please ease my broken heart.

                                                  Jonathan Taylor Thomas, I miss your face- Shassie