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When Jordan Catalano Is Around My Whole Body Feels It.

6 Feb

If you are like me you grew up believing that  the better part of your high school career would be spent skipping class to smoke in the bathroom and making out with delicious guys in the boiler room. If you are like me this probably didn’t actually happen. And if you are like me you got all of these ideas from ABC’s early ‘90s drama My So Called Life.

In case you don’t remember, My So-Called Life (MSCL) began in 1994 and was about Angela Chase, a social outcast played by Claire Danes, and her dismal view on the high school experience.  Although the show only lasted 19 episodes its pre-grunge style, unique storytelling techniques, and groundbreaking characters (most notably Rickie Vasquez the first gay teen on primetime T.V.) have made it one of the most memorable shows in ABC history.  However for me the best part of the series was the moody and uneducated Jordan Catalano, played by Jared “ice eyes” Leto.

Every week Jordan had me hanging on his every word. And Jordan looked so good in a blue plaid shirt that I didn’t care he could only read at a third grade level. After the show ended on a relationship cliffhanger I was devastated. But luckily Jared Leto’s career did not die with the series.  I could see a trace of Catalano in every character he played. After MSCL Leto was in a zillion fantastic movies including  American Psycho (2000 ), Requiem for a Dream (2000 ), Girl Interrupted (1999),  Fight Club (1999)  , and most recently as John Lennon’s overweight slayer in Chapter 27 (2007 ).   

Currently Leto spends most of his time writing songs and using his drop dead gorgeous looks to play bass for his band 30 Seconds to Mars. Although the band is decent it is nowhere near as rad as the Frozen Embryos.   

Jordan, I miss your inability to decipher the days o f the week, the way your words slur together when you try to read, and your ever seductive locker lean.

Jordan Catalano,  I miss your face- Shassie

I’ll Never Let Go Billy

21 Feb

There is only one movie that I have seen (and paid for) in theaters more than 6 times. That movie is Titanic (1997).  Over a decade ago, in 1997, I was just a 9-year-old, third grade girl desperately in love with J.T.T. But, the first time I laid eyes on Leonardo DiCaprio in the Titanic trailer, the drool hanging off the bottom of my lip told me that J.T.T and I were over. There was a new man in my life. Leo and I have been together ever since.

With the recent release of James Cameron’s Avatar (2009) and the weekend release of Scorsese’s Shutter Island (2010) it is clear that, despite 13 years of aging,  the Titanic alumni are still very relevant to Hollywood today: Kate Winslet took home an Oscar last year for her performance in The Reader (2008).   DiCaprio has been nominated for two Academy Awards, post Titanic, and has had the starring role in stellar films like The Departed(2006 ), Blood Diamond (2007 ),  Gangs of New York (2002 ), and Catch Me if you Can (2002).   Bill Paxton stars in his own show on HBO, Big Love. And Lord knows Kathy Bates hasn’t gone anywhere. In fact, the whole cast of Titanic’s careers seem to be unsinkable, with the exception of Billy Zane.

In Titanic, Billy Zane played Rose’s aggressive and possessive boyfriend Cal. His hairless head and extremely fit body made him easy to spot among the Hollywood crowd in various award shows, but as far as the Big Screen is concerned, Billy Zane has just been blending in.

Post Titanic, the Chicago native has been playing mostly small supporting roles in a series of B-movies and Television shows, most notably as Winston Funk, Christina Applegate’s ex lover on ABC’s Samantha Who?.  Although his face has not appeared on the Big screen his voice has been flooding the airwaves of children’s movies, he was the voice of John Rolf in the Disney sequel; Pocahontas II: A Brave New World, and in  video games in SSX Tricky as Broderick ‘Brodi’ Ford and again as Ansem in Kingdom Hearts.

Currently Billy Zane has bit parts in 4 movies scheduled to be released late this year: 4Chosen, The Roommate, Enemies Among Us, and The Confidant.  I, for one, am ready for Mr. Zane to get the lead role he deserves.

Billy I miss your shimmering scalp, your ability to embody evil and your sinfully seductive left side smirk. 

Billy Zane, I miss your face- Shassie

p.s. Interesting fact: Zane first appeared on the Big screen as one of Biff’s henchmen in Back to the Future(1985).

Cara Mia

9 Nov

David Krumholtz. Most of you may know him as Goldstein, the pot-smoking Jew from the Harold and Kumar franchise, or as Michael, Cameron’s best friend in 10 Things I Hate About You. To me, Krumholtz will always be known as Joel Glicker, sheet-white asthmatic lover to Wednesday from the Adams Family Values (1993).

Krumholtz has been working steadily since he began acting in 1993 with Life with Mikey. He has appeared in movies and shows like Slums of Beverly Hills (1998), Freaks and Geeks (1999), Undeclared (2001), The Santa Clause (1994), Ray (2004), Tenacious D. Pick of Destiny (2006), Superbad (2007), and the recent cinematic failure I Love You Man (2009). Since 2005, he has worked as the dashing detective mathematician Charlie on CBS’s Numb3rs.

As a primary member of the Judd Apatow gang you would think that Krumholtz’s future seems promising; but, aside from Numb3rs no upcoming projects are rumored. I am not prepared for a life without D.K..

David , I miss your childlike use of sarcastic schtick, your pale lanky body and your long curly eternally wet black locks.

David Krumholtz, I’m beginning to miss your face-Shassie

Plant a Seed, Plant a Flower, Plant a Rose

21 Oct

In 1997, God sent three prized cherubs down to earth. These long golden haired boys had the voices of Angels. To many, they would be remembered only for MmmBop;as nothing more than a band with a one hit wonder. But, to a few hundred thousand fans everywhere they would be worshiped forever. I am talking about Hanson of course.  

When I first saw Hanson on MTV way back in the 3rd grade I assumed, as did many, that they were female, but TRL quickly influenced me to believe otherwise. Carson Daily assured me that the boys’ long locks were not like the coiled hair of a girl or even the greasy mane of a grunge boy, but rather the symbol of a pre-teen sex god.  Isaac, Taylor, and, my personal favorite, Zac had overcome their humble Tulsa upbringing and instantly become icons.Hanson512.jpg image by rachaelmaine

It seemed that after the first Hanson brother album Middle of Nowhere, they vanished from the airwaves. But any dedicated Hanson fan will tell you this is not true. Hanson currently is independently touring and producing their own music and, to the thrill of at least three girls, they are producing many many children.  Just yesterday my friend received Hanson’s autograph when the boys were on the American University Campus.  Their newest album will be released in May of 2010.

Isaac, Taylor, Zac, when you are old and losing your hair, I can tell you that I will still care. I miss your synchronized jams, your long blonde and slightly messy hair, and your pop love songs.


Hanson, I miss your face- Shassie

…I don’t miss your face, Ray:the writing stylings of guest blogger Kristina Vance

11 Oct

You are looking at Ray Pruit, AKA the very talented Jamie Walters; whom we all know and love from his 90210 outburst that resulted in his girlfriend, Donna Martin, plummeting down a flight of stairs.  Yes, his abuse did slightly turn us on, however it was his more recent appearance on VH1’s desperation show Confessions of a Teen Idol  that got our blood pressure rising again.  Mr. Walters appeared a new man: tall, handsome, slightly more filled out (not fat, thank you very much) and covered in sexual tattoos.

For a moment, I thought that I missed Jamie’s face, but alas, I didn’t.  Jamie is now hotter, and WAY cooler than all the other schlubs on the show.  No one cares that “Hobie” from Baywatch is/was a drug addict – he wasn’t even relevant in the first place so why should I care? I don’t. 

Any who, it’s been a while since Confessions aired, yet as I  thought about Ray Pruitt while I was driving today, a little piece of my heart fluttered as I remembered flipping through channels and stumbling upon a new, better than ever Jamie Walters.  Jamie is not any more talented, perhaps he is even less talented, however this means nothing to me. Check him,Yep. I know. -Kristina Vance



He Acts,He Stays, He Shoots, He Scores.

7 Oct

Where has the strangely inspiring athletic animal whisperer Kevin Zegers gone to? All throughout the ‘90s, you knew that if there was a field or court that allowed animals Zegers was there inspiring his pets to be all that they could be so they could win the big game.

To the general public Kevin Zegers will be forever known as Josh “that boy from Air-Bud.”And for good reason; despite lack of popularity, he continued to make the same movie repeatedly. Zegers reappeared in two Air Bud sequels (Air bud:Golden Receiver, and Air bud World Pup) and a cheap knock-off with a hockey playing monkey (MVP: Most Valuable Primate).

Somehow knowing that Zegers is out there on his own, hiding from the public eye frightens me. I decided to track down his whereabouts and surprisingly it was not hard. He has been working non-stop since World Pup in 2000! Sneakily appearing in shows like Smallville and House.  Then it came back to me, a blocked memory from 2005, where Kevin frequently has sex with grotesque truck drivers for money and eventually ends up working in the porn industry in the film Transamerica.

Apparently Zac Effron's style icon.

Apparently Zegers has not vanished from the public eye at all. Next year, he will not only be appearing  in the CW’s Gossip Girl but also in the remake of Bonnie and Clyde (with H-Duff and another gem of the ‘90s, Thora Birch). 2010 could very well be the most popular year of his life.  Kevin, despite constant subconscious exposure to you since 2000, I miss your persuasive animal talk, your various oversized sport uniforms and your floppy-sloppy ‘90s bowl cut.

Kevin Zegers, I miss your face- Shassie

All I Need is the Air that you Breathe

30 Sep

Where have those skinny men with glasses and asthma gone? It seems as if television shows have completely forgotten the unspoken sex appeal provided by charismatic and asthmatic characters to sympathetic female viewers. Two sidekicks from television’s past leave me especially breathless; Freaks and Geeks’ Bill (Martin Starr) and The Wonder Years’ Paul (Josh Saviano).Billjosh_saviano_then_full









The day Bill said he would never make-out with a girl because of mucus and old bits of food made my knees buckle. I was willing to risk him throwing up in my mouth for just one kiss. And that time when Paul began swooning over Mrs. Arnold made my heart melt.

It is a pity that Millhouse (The Simpsons) is the only true geek left representin’ on air.   Bill Haverchuck, Paul Pfeiffer, I miss your giant glasses, your arms that reach all the way to your ankles and your peanut allergies.

Asthmatic heartthrobs, I miss your face-Shassie