Archive | October, 2009

They put a spell on you and now their gone.

31 Oct

Halloween has officially arrived.  Whats my Halloween tradition? Watching Hocus Pocus(1993) on repeat until I am too sick to continue eating pumpkin oriented sweets, candy apples and Kit-Kats. Currently I am basking in the bright light that has since gone dim of the Hocus Pocus B-cast. As a result, I have decided to do a very quick where are they now?

1. Vinessa Shaw (Allison)- As the resident Babe, Vinessa was responsible for Max lighting the virgin candle. She has had perhaps the best Pocus after-life, starring in Two Lovers, 3:10 to Yuma, Melinda and Melinda, The Hills Have Eyes and T.V. mini series the ‘70s.

2. Jody Rivera (Emily Binx)- Little Emily Binx had the smallest role in the movie and now the least successful career post Pocus. She has written directed and starred in The Princess Chronicles, but other than that she has found a home in her YouTube fans. IMDB says Rivera is currently the number one most subscribed female of all time on YouTube. But I have tried to watch them and they are way to bad for that to be true.

3. Larry Bagby (ICE), You remember him as the bully with the stolen sneakers and a buzz cut of his name on the back of his head. Ice has been in various series throughout the early millennia in JAG, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and most recently The Young and the Restless. Also, he has a Band.

4. Sean Murray (Zachary Binx)- Currently starring in CBS’ Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service as Timothy McGee, Murray seemed to have used Nepotism to gain his role, his stepfather is the producer.

5. Doug Jones (Billy Butcherson)-Billy looks surprisingly equally creepy in real life as he does with the pounds of decaying skin and long yellow nails, it must be his creepy long neck or baggy skin. Currently he seems to have a bunch of “extra” type status roles as non-humans in movies like Lady in the Water, Hellboy, Stuck on You, Quarantine, Pans Labyrinth, and most recently The Hobbit.

Hocus Pocus has-beens, I miss your face-Shassie

Fruit of the Tomb

29 Oct


As I have grown up I have begun to realize how increasingly unimportant the prescience of a mummy is during the Halloween season. When I was little, mummies were everywhere.  There were mummy tombs in my neighbor’s front yards, dogs wrapped in tissue paper, and plastic Mcnugget buddies Happy Meal toys with clip on bandages.

Maybe the fad has died out; the last decent mummy movie was, in fact, The Mummy (1999) starring Brendan Frasier and Rachel Weisz.  It is time for us to relive the terror of the linen cloaked corpse.

How do I propose we re-introduce ourselves to the horror? By introducing ourselves to the laughter.  The first mummy I knew and loved was Klaris, from Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy (1955). Klaris kicked it old school, he wasn’t computer animated like mummies would be today, Klaris was a real human, stuntman Eddie Parker, wrapped in real linen, with a real clue hidden inside his sarcophagus.  Klaris was so chill, after his re-death in the movie both Abbott and Costello adopt his linen.

Klaris and friends, I miss your aged strips of cloth, your hunger for revenge and your everlasting quests to find your internal organs.

Mummies, I miss your face- Shassie

Fun Fact: In the movie Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy, the title characters are actually named Peter and Freddie, but throughout the movie they refer to each other as their real names Abbott and Costello.

A Different Sphere of Consciousness.

28 Oct

To me Halloween translates to Zelda Rubinstein. Although she is only four feet tall, Zelda has an unarguable presence in late 80s Hollywood as it relates to the supernatural. Often playing roles as soothsayers, witches, and psychics, Zelda strikes both fear and awe from her audience. She first graced audiences in 1982 as Tangina, the creepy mediator in Poltergeist (1982).

Since, her short height and creepy voice has often been uncredited and been put to use in such fantastic works as Teen Witch (1989), Sixteen Candles (1984),Beetlejuice (1988 ), Little Witches (1996), Tales from the Crypt (1992), Hey Arnold! (1999) as Patty’s mom, and most recently as the voiceover for The Scarriest Places on Earth (2000-2006). Two weeks ago, Zelda was parodied in the South Park season 13 premiere, ‘Dead Celebrities.”

Zelda seems to have stopped acting, maybe it’s the lack of Halloween themed movies that are keeping her out of work or maybe old age is finally catching up to her. Zelda Rubenstein, I miss your gaudy gypsy costumes, your words of warlock wisdom and your breathy terrifying voice.

Zelda Rubinstein, I miss your face-Shassie.

Supersonic, idiotic, disconnecting, not respecting, who would really ever wanna go and top that?

27 Oct

Finally, Halloween is so close I can already feel my teeth preemptively rotting. I may be unable to trick-or-treat (because I am 21 and also childless) but, I have found a way to get my kicks elsewhere; in Halloween movies, obviously.

It seems to me, that the greatest mix between teenagers and magic can be found in one movie, Teen Witch (1989). Twenty years ago, before Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Hollywood felt teenage girls between the ages of 13-18 were missing a heroine they could relate to. The boys had teen wolf, but what magical creature could young women idolize? They found the answer in Louis Miller (Robyn Elaine Lively, big sister of Gossip Girl’s Blake Lively) high school outcast and soon to be pubescent paranormal sorceress.

In the movie, Louise happens to stumble across a magical crystal that gives her the power to be the most popular girl in the school, date her crush, and meet her favorite pop-star. With a plot this good it is hard to understand why syndication of the film is at an all time low.

In recent TW news, Ashley Tisdale is rumored to be the next Louise Miller in a remake sometime in 2010…gag me with a spoon. Really United Artists, you are ready to ruin another perfectly good movie by plastering Tisdale all over the screen? Get real, Tisdale will never be able to fill the keds of Robyn Elaine Lively, I doubt her anorexic physic could even support the weight of Zelda Rubinstein’s purple crystal. Lively has been appearing in T.V. constantly since Teen Witch in 1989 in such shows as Doogie Howser, M.D. , Twin Peaks, and most recently Saving Grace.

Teen Witch, I miss your glam bedazzled jean jackets, your frizzy teased hair supported by hairspray and scrunchies and your hella-hip 80s soundtrack, featuring the musical styling’s of Dude-itude.

Teen Witch, I miss your face- Shassie.

Fun Find: The Lonley Island before SNL

Plant a Seed, Plant a Flower, Plant a Rose

21 Oct

In 1997, God sent three prized cherubs down to earth. These long golden haired boys had the voices of Angels. To many, they would be remembered only for MmmBop;as nothing more than a band with a one hit wonder. But, to a few hundred thousand fans everywhere they would be worshiped forever. I am talking about Hanson of course.  

When I first saw Hanson on MTV way back in the 3rd grade I assumed, as did many, that they were female, but TRL quickly influenced me to believe otherwise. Carson Daily assured me that the boys’ long locks were not like the coiled hair of a girl or even the greasy mane of a grunge boy, but rather the symbol of a pre-teen sex god.  Isaac, Taylor, and, my personal favorite, Zac had overcome their humble Tulsa upbringing and instantly become icons.Hanson512.jpg image by rachaelmaine

It seemed that after the first Hanson brother album Middle of Nowhere, they vanished from the airwaves. But any dedicated Hanson fan will tell you this is not true. Hanson currently is independently touring and producing their own music and, to the thrill of at least three girls, they are producing many many children.  Just yesterday my friend received Hanson’s autograph when the boys were on the American University Campus.  Their newest album will be released in May of 2010.

Isaac, Taylor, Zac, when you are old and losing your hair, I can tell you that I will still care. I miss your synchronized jams, your long blonde and slightly messy hair, and your pop love songs.


Hanson, I miss your face- Shassie

The Imposters Next Door

19 Oct

I refuse to learn the names of the new Girls Next Door on E!. They are trying desperately to replace Holly, Bridget and Kendra; replacing the old girl’s real sentiment for Hugh Heffner with artificial affection.

The first two episodes were dedicated entirely to establishing the “relationship” the new main girlfriend has with the pinup king. She spends the show searching for a new nickname as marketable as “puffin” for her stranger beau. This Girls Next Door is even less believable than the last. Heffner was introduced to the doublemint skanks just last spring and to the main G.F. last Halloween. Why would I care about the loveless relationship that has lasted barely a year more than Heffner’s 5+ year relationship with Holly Madison?

Sorry E, it is not the same, and I do not care about their inhumane practices of dying their dogs pink, their trashy gossip about Holly, or their outrageous behavior in Vegas when they are left alone. Heff would never allow his old GF’s to leave him for more than 12 hours, the fact that the new girls can leave him for more than a day proves the show’s treachery. Holly, Bridget, and even detestable Kendra, I miss your themes parties, watching your midnight craving for Arby’s and your colony of untrained animals.

Real Girls Next Door, I miss your face- Shassie.


16 Oct


Another 98 minutes of my life have just been wasted due to the horrible, fat necked, invalid thespian that is Jessica Biel. As a result, I have decided to start a new segment on I Miss Your Face, entitled, F*** Your Face.Not only is Texas Chainsaw Massacre a ghastly piece of film, but 89% of its hideousness was due solely to the “acting” of Biel. “YOU STOLE HIM!!!!!!”*spirit fingers and scream*

Somehow Jessica Biel has been acting since the age of 14 when she starred in 7th Heaven. Since then, she has been working steadily; harassing her audience in such sickeningly bad films as I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Summer Catch, Texas Chainsaw Massacre,Stealth, Elizabethtown, last summer’s Easy Virtue, and Next( a phenomenal film where Nick Cage can see 60 seconds into the future and he is somehow forced by the government to use his stellar powers to prevent a terrorist attack. Because 60 seconds is totally enough time to prevent years of terrorist planning; but that is another rant for another time).  Not even the dashing looks of J.T.T. could distract the audience from her poor acting skills in the movie I’ll be Home for Christmas.

 Biel, despite lack of talent and obvious body type flaws, has somehow become a sex symbol due to magazines like Maxim misunderstanding her manly neck and fat ass for an athletic build body.  Jessica, I hate the way you confuse raising your voice for acting, how you wear low cut jeans at least two sizes too small, and your transvestite physique.

Jessica Biel, F*** Your Face-Shassie